puff, puff, … cough, puff

The struggle with quitting cigarettes lead to a full on break down within.  It totally disrupted core identities between us three head-mates.  Trying to do what I felt God would want lead to Vali feeling rejected.  So He rebelled.  The past three weeks or so have been ugly internally.

Resolved for now.  “We” will continue smoking.  Vali does not feel like he is back in trauma time; tied up and abused.  And the three of us must reground ourselves in routine.  Now that the inner noise is calmer, outer life can get back on track.

For “us” that means some very basic things.  Like eating everyday.  Like having a regular sleep schedule.  And most recently, giving time for prayer three times a day.  First in the morning, after work, and last before bed.  We were unable to pray regularly while the inner struggle was raging between Vali and the rest of us.  Vali saw our attempts to please God to be just another avenue for him to be abused.  It’s how a traumatized person deals with issues of surrender and trust.

Hopefully, from today through next Thursday, the 26th, We will be able to keep our daily prayer times.  Growing in knowledge and trust in God.  If We are successful with that, We want to add time for weekly fasting on Fridays.  We will go with that for a couple of weeks, then hopefully add fasting on Wednesdays as well.  We are trying to honor Mary’s request at Medjugorje for fasting.

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