Struggles

We’ve had a bit of a melt down.  The inner circle of three dominant alters has been rocked by disconnected elements within.  It seems no matter how hard We try to assimilate all of our core beliefs into the three individual head-mates, there always remains stragglers.  Pieces that just don’t fit.

This instance, the problem surrounded our smoking.

We’ve been smoking for 20 years.  Some head-mates chose to smoke precisely because it was harmful to the body.  They wanted to die, but were not able to just knock off the rest of us.  So they tried to seek an end passive aggressively, in a more subtle way.

When We felt a call to return to the Lord in February, the disobedience of smoking was forefront for Vali.    For him, any act of defiance to God is sin.  Trying to hurt the body is a clear act of disobedience.  For God gave us this gift of life.  He wants us to not only serve him with it, but to enjoy the gift too.  So Vali felt that We should stop smoking out of honor to God.

I was ok with that.  I enjoyed smoking; I was addicted to the nicotine as well.  But I couldn’t argue with Vali’s reasoning.  So We quit smoking for a whole month.  God worked a miracle, as validation that We were following his will, by removing 99% of our cravings for cigarettes!  It was amazing!  Myself and Vali experienced real peace and a closeness to God that We hadn’t had before.

Cinder, our child alter, didn’t much care either way.  To him, it was a non issue.  God was the one who saved him from the abusers.  Whatever God wanted was ok with him.

A piece of us remained unsettled with this.  It wasn’t the smoking as much as it was the idea that We were moving toward some kind of earthly perfection.  This inner voice was getting louder and louder crying out our imperfection.  That We could never be sinless.  We could not submit everything to God and live totally under divine will.  That would mean sainthood.  And this part within knew that We were no saint!

We have struggled with this very strong, very independent voice within us for the past several weeks.  Why We haven’t posted anything for a while.  Wrestling back and forth with who We were called to be in God’s eyes versus the truth of who We really were.

Truth is what matters the most to all of us head-mates.  The truth that We were physically and sexually abused!  The truth that a priest broke his vows and further corrupted our mind molesting us later.  So, truth, for good or bad is what drives us.  Because of that, We could not deny that inner reality that could not submit fully to God.

For now, We are smoking again.  Having dialogue with this rebellious part of us.  Acknowledging him rather than denying him.  He causes us pain in our relationship with God.  There is separation from Jesus because of this fragment of a personality or hidden alter.  But, the rest of us cannot deny he is there.  So, We are working on it together.